by Emmett Smith
THE Following item from my hometown southern Minnesota & Greater Iowa regional newspaper, the Squawbunion County Pile Driver & Terre de Bleu Daily Blast, goes a long way to show us all about human nature. Plus it does a whole lot to prove that if you really know yourself (and can stand to admit it!), well then you automatically know all about what’s really going on in the news:
OKAY, So what does this all mean?
Well as I said it’s just a matter of “know thyself!”
First of all young Inmate Smackelfarts has just found Jesus. This is obvious from all the big talk in the article about the Bible, and so I can understand his position and mental condition perfectly. This is because at various times in the past I have been a Moslem, a medicine-man, a “shamanic healer,” plus nowadays I do I Ching readings for money every so often when the foodstamps have temporarily dried up. In other words I am a spiritual person too so I know all about what I am talking about, and the fact is that Inmate Smackelfarts has had a “conversion experience.”
The young man has become a Christian so in fact in any conversations with jailers or other obvious atheists, Inmate Smackelfarts has the high ground morally and automatically — he just does, why else do you think he’d even bother with all the praying and all the rest of the nuisance?
THIS Was pretty recently, too, the young man still has to learn a little discretion and that’s why he got socked with his own Bible.
So now we come to the part about Jailer Schluckbebier. The giveaway comes when the article says Jailer Schluckbebier is fifty-six — well, I’m fifty-eight so I sure can tell you all about him!
Fifty-six is the low point & dark sewer of late-middleage.
The swag belly bothers more than ever before, the cigarets taste even worse and in desperation you finally take to shaving your head, trying to do situps and wearing a girdle the rest of the time. During your off-hours you are constantly leering at underage naked pictures in such postmodern websites as Tiny Eve and this further congests and inflames the prostate, making micturation even more difficult.
Plus if you are really unfortunate and are loaded down with a law enforcement-type “service personality,” then you are trapped by the promise of some (formerly quite good!) public-employment retirement-benefits and so have to display yourself every day at work in front of insolent offender-type personalities. Still worse you have to do this in much too-tight polyester uniforms which really smell bad when you sweat or the post-urinal dribble soaks down the insides of of your pants legs.
THEN One of these young punks gets “born again” and (wearing a shit-eating grin because he knows just on looking at you about your little pornography “secret”) offers to “pray for you, Maaaaan!” — and, that’s when it hits the fan, the Bible hits the face, and Jailer Schluckbebier hits the Psychological Counseling In Order To Hang Onto His Guilty & Unearned MORE Free Money Off The Government Pension Trail!
On the other hand, if you can just get through fifty-six without seeing any psychologists, well, things do get to be pretty nice pretty quick….
[Emmett R Smith all rights reserved 14 April 2007]