by Emmett Smith
13 August 2007
DEAR Al & Everybody, it’s me, Grandpa!
I Am dieting.
PLUS I am already halfway off the deep end — have been since I was fifty — on USMC “Daily 16” exercises, fifty-nine reps apiece on everything or one for each year of my life, and one one added to every set each year. Plus loads of both sorts of pull-ups on the off days, and lunges and crunches….
However, at my age you simply do NOT lose weight by working OR working out, nope, unh-uh, forget THAT!
So it was only a matter of time before I, too, would get sucked even further into the general atmosphere of my generation’s vanity and denial:
It was in Wells the other day on the way into the library, when she Who Must Be Obeyed pulled up my “wifebeater” undershirt into a wad all around the hem, in an attempt to disguise my waistline. When I stepped indoors I looked as though I now had on a life-ring around my love-handles….
It is this sort of thing that makes you do things, social pressure plus people being embarrassed to be seen in public with you — and, I hadn’t even opened my mouth yet to SAY anything!
NOWADAYS, You can find everything on the internet, including loads of calorie-counting websites.
When we got home (and SWMBO took the gunnysack from off of me) it was so interesting and there was so much of it that I had to go downstairs right away and get a bowl of potato chips and homemade sourcream dip, all mixed with black pepper and Mrs. Dash’s “Regular” blend spices (her other flavors just don’t quite work in homemade dip!) Pretty soon I needed two bananas and some real vanilla ice cream with some “Most Pulp” orange juice poured over it for a sundae (only fresh rhubarb sauce is better!)
Finally, by the time I settled down to this website:
I had polished off the ice cream and was starting in on pickled herring and that Finnish hardtack that I can’t ever remember the name of. Anyway, with pickled herring and unsalted butter from the Hope, MN, dairy, it’s REAL tasty….
However, the Fit Watch website didn’t have a lot of good to say about ANY of this:
IT Seems the way to lose weight is to select your ideal weight.
So far, so good — I weighed in at #182 on August 8th, and back in the day when I didn’t have love handles (or much sense) I came in around #165, in the late 1980s.
Before that in the EARLY 1980s when I was really svelte at #149 and didn’t have ANY sense at all, I was taking LOTS of cocaine in order to fit in and feel like a Republican like everybody else in old LeRay Township. This kept my weight down real well AND my wallet, but one of the points of dieting actually I suppose is to SAVE money and so none of that now!
No steroids neither, I’m trying to lose pounds and not collect ANY MORE asterisks!
So on any given day you multiply your desired weight times ten, or 1650 in my case. That’s 1650 calories except that people who torture themselves this way regularly all go “kilocalories” to each other. It’s the way catbirds tell the real ones from the fakes and passers-through!
So far, so good, except now I have a question:
DOES Anyone know how ridiculously MEASLY 1650 calories a day IS?
AFTER I knock off two pieces of toast and butter, two basted eggs (with black pepper) and some mustard on the eggs plus maybe four or five garlic-stuffed olives (love THEM!), that’s IT:
In a fit I’ve ALREADY managed to pound down 625 or so of them 1650 “kilocalories!”
In fact, the numbers have now dwindled so badly that we may as well calm down and just say “calories” from now on in. This is for the very good reason that I’ve ALREADY assigned two bottles Schell’s beer to the evening ahead and THAT’S 280 calories ALREADY lifted right off the top — practically it is now a matter of stringing out 745 crumby little calories of snacks into a VERY thin chain through the gloomy day. Or else holding off until maybe five PM AND SHOVELING DOWN THE DIFFERENCE.
Two pieces of toast, a tablespoon of that natural oily peanut butter that You Pay More For Because They Do LESS To It and a half ounce of butter, together with eight ounces of the “most pulp” orange juice, knocks off 440 calories right there.
Or you can have 12 oz of peas, about 145 calories, and two ounces of cheddar cheese melted over them for a total of 475 calories….
Either way you are now stuck munching on carrots all the rest of the afternoon, OR these fool Quaker Oat Puffed Rice Cakes, and waiting on the beer ration!
INTERESTINGLY, The energy you burn in washing, peeling and eating a raw carrot puts you into ENERGY DEFICIT, whereby you burn up more than you shovel in. Apparently this is a way to lose weight fast — only I’d be scared of vitamin A poisoning from all the carrots (or is that vitamin K — for Bugs Bunny?)
On the other hand you CAN’T trust those Quacker Oats Puffed Rice Cakes!
At 33 calories apiece, they are SNEAKY and have a way of blowing up on you all at once…. And all for what? you will ask ( I know YOU — you’ll be laughing to beat the band when you DO, too!)
And THAT’S the essentially mentally-disturbed fascination of all this dieting:
First of all many of the people of the world live this way every day, no choice in the matter.
And on the other hand, we here in the land of the round doorknobs and township-sized hog barns NEED to lose weight — so go figure!
Anyway, starting five days ago on the 8th, I went nicely from #182 to #178 (!) on the 9th and #176 on the 10th….
THEN SWMBO showed me how to actually CALIBRATE the fool scale (I thought I got a ten pound HANDICAP on account of being nearly sixty!) — and now I’ve been stuck at #177 for three days!
LOVE & Mouth-Raps,
[Emmett R Smith all rights reserved 13 August 2007]