by Emmett Smith
You can read the full story here:
But anyway, some kids in England in a school for youngsters with “emotional and behavioral difficulties” were inveigled by their teachers into putting on the following updated version of a Nativity play. It is funnier than all get out and, boy, are the so-called “adults” sore about it! It is a “Chav” nativity play where Jesus turns water into strong lager and the three wise men bear gifts of Adidas and Burberry clothes, all matters of great interest to today’s English teens. “Chavs” are underclass Englishmen, and the play talks about police killing babies and the extra welfare benefits Mary and Joseph will now get….
Chav Yerself A Merry Christmas
(the script in full)
Pupil one: Do you hear what we ‘erd, right, there’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin.
Pupil two: Wossat then? A train?
Pupil three: She’s not married or nuffink. But she’s got this boyfriend Joe, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib down Nazaref. Well anyways, one day right Mary meets this bloke Gabriel right.
Pupil two: Gabriel? What sorta name’s that den?
Pupil one: Dunno, sounds Chavvy to me.
Pupil two: Innit! Bruv.
Pupil three: She’s like ‘Ooo ya looking at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one up the duff, you have.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked.
Pupil two: Innit?
Pupil one: She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!’
Pupil two: Yeah right! Bet she was a right goer.
Pupil three: Well, see the thing is she hadn’t bin wiv no-one. Honest! So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who’s six months gone herself. Liz is largin’ it. She’s filled with spirits, Bacardi breezers an’ that. She’s like ‘Orright, Mary. I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I’m well blessed.
Pupil two: Think of all the extra benefits an’ that that they are gonna get. Mary goes ‘Yeah, s’pose you’re right.
Pupil one: Mary an’ Joe ain’t got no money so they have to ponce a donkey an’ go dahn Beflehem on that. They get to this pub an’ Mary wants to stop, yeah?
Pupil two: No surprised, I’d wanna pint an all.
Pupil one: Nah, to have her bay-bee an’ that.
Pupil two: What, have the kid in the pub? That’s outers, people in the pub having a quiet pint then in comes this bird screaming and hollering ‘n stuff. Put me off me drink that would!
Pupil three: Shut up will ya! See the fing is there ain’t no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an’ Joe break an’ enter into this garridge, only it’s filled wiv animals. Cahs an’ sheep an’ that.
Pupil two: On that’s gross, near turned my guts that as!
Pupil three: Well then, these free geezers turn up, looking proper bling wiv crowns on their ‘eads. They’re like ‘Respect, baby-bee Jesus,’ an’ say they’re wise men from the East End.
Pupil two: What Minty and the Mitchell brothers?
Pupil one: On shut up! Joe goes: ‘If you’re so wise, wotchoo doin’ wiv this Frankenstein an’ myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas, and Burberry?’
Pupil two: On yeah, that’s proper stuff to give to a kid.
Pupil three: Well. Then blow me, some Welsh bloke’s turn up wiv a sheep, well it’s all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an’ sex he’s got another message from this Lord geezer.
Pupil two: Shoulda used his mobile, he sounds a proper nutter.
Pupil three: Shut it! Anyways he’s like ‘The police is comin an’ they’re killin’ all the baby-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.
Pupil one: Joe goes ‘You must be monged if you think I’m goin’ down Egypt on a minging donkey.’
Pupil two: Wouldn’t get me on no minging donkey. Went on one at Margate in the summer, it proper stunk.
Pupil one: Will you give it a rest? Gabriel sez ‘Suit yerself, pal. But it’s your look out if you stay.’ So they go down Egypt till they’ve stopped killin’ the first-born an’ it’s safe an’ that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an’ Jesus turns water into Stella.
Pupil two: Wicked! Wherdya hear about all this den?
Pupil one: Dunno, can’t remember.
Pupil two: Well what yous getting for Christmas this year?
Pupil three: Dunno, perhaps a bita bling. I don’t see wat all the fuss is about Christmas, it’s just an excuse to get stuffed and fall asleep in front of the telly innit?
Pupil two: Yeah bruv. Innit?
[Emmett R Smith
[all introductory-text rights reserved
[9 December 2008]