“Even Your Collective Mental Hygiene Is Impacted Eleven Times Over!”
by Hamid al-Midelti
[Mr al-Midelti is a Moroccan communal sanitarian and graduate student in Mental Health & Social Hygiene Studies, in the Department of Public Liberalism of the Exxon-Mobil New School For Mandated Social Transformation, at the Minnesota State Teachers College & University (MSTC & U) at Terre de Bleu City. His focus is psychic epidemic with especial reference to the “trigger-effect” of “constellations of vendetta-conflict” in local folklore. It is a phenomenon, Mr al-Midelti says, that must be understood urgently, as in his native Morocco today there are similar happenings to those described below. These often feed the periodic outbreaks of religious terrorism in the Muslim world, claims Mr al-Midelti, and his goal as a professional public psychic hygienist is to find a remedy. “Whether this may come down to mass sedation of the drinking water, or special discharges of aerosols by airplane regularly, I cannot say as yet. Alors…your Terre de Bleu City pathological situation offers a wonderful living laboratory to my associates and I.” Mr al-Midelti’s important work is funded by grants from both the department of Homeland Security and the Diwan of the House of Saud. What can the situation in far Morocco possibly have to do with our good old hometown of Terre de Bleu City, whether under a curse or not? “It is not child’s play, I tell you this…if ever once les indigenes ici should ever take up Islam as their spiritual basis, la bas, then there WILL be another outbreak, and that all the more massive. Donc you see, the preemptive time in all of this is now. Deba…maintenant!” — ed]
To begin with, this week I shall only wish to present the text, it is an excerpt merely of the relevant portion, of this letter that was found, in of all places, in the pocket of the subject, Wook. Apparently he is being described by another person, this eponymous “Smith,” who professes a separate being, from that of Wook I mean, and whom he (Smith) claims has been masquerading in Smith’s guise while making public displays of his mania. The narrative even though that of a lunatic is not that of an imbecile, and I invite you all to pay your closest attention to it. As space is limited, we shall return at a later date to the matter of my objective interpretation of this material. Here then is the relevant extract:
Moving right along, permit me to apologize for the preceding fulmination in your pp today by him [This would seem to be a reference to an earlier appearance at the library, where Wook/Smith sent out a number of emails — H al-M] . I regret to report that the “Sirdar” Wook has been thrown on to 2nd South in the Terre De Blue City-ISJ hospital. He is being analyzed there for findings of “philosophical intoxication” and “religious mania.” The doctors all fortunately are state-subsidized secular humanists & known Public Liberals and they know, moreover, how and by whom they are publicly supported and propped up in their roles, so we may be assured that all is well and under control.
Wook’s unfortunate comeuppance came after he decamped into the town last night for a riotous evening at the local bal de musette and strip club, “Smuttler’s.” This was with a party of the other soybean farmers from Harebrain Township. Wook later disappeared with a young woman who called him “Wookie” all evening, and who was seen last flaunting a good deal of cash money and several credit cards while the other other gentlemen all returned to their wives and sow barns. This morning after surfacing to be seen at the Public Library apparently firing off a load of emails, Wook then climbed the flagpole at the nearby Indian Hanging Memorial & Interpretive Center — which motto is: “Bad Stuff Went Down Here, Man!” — and proceeded to shout slogans with “an islamic content,” say local police.
This was grounds for notifying the matter to Homeland Security, agents of which then snatched up Wook with a net to safety beneath a helicopter. He was flown in this “Lac L’aigle Hammock” immediately to the helipad atop the hospital a mile away, and taken straight down the purpose-built lift directly on to the mental ward. Reportedly, Wook continued in his hortatory declamations, and was Tasered several times and treated to a number of beneficial clysters, whereat he calmed down and now awaits the dispassionate and objective findings of the professional medical staff. US Government Psychiatric Police-General Doctor Yehudi’s skilled interrogatory forensics team doubtless will not let Wook’s maniacal and hate-filled, strangled yells heard in the hospital last night, about “Levantine quack doctors,” influence their austere diagnostic task. So far it is a plain case of lunacy in early dementia coupled with racist irruptions in the narrative, and with word-salad, flight of ideas and complications of priapism from Viagra overdosing and senectuous hysteria at the loom of death, but some aspects remain troubling.
Firstly, because of our close resemblance I have no doubt, and the obvious element of premeditation in his mischief, Wook hied forth on his outing with my wallet and I now find several credit cards missing, and a deal of cash and my own legitimately prescribed Viagra medication, all the more irksome as it was funds and pharmacology I had dedicated in my mind’s eye to a similar destination, only at the upcoming weekend. That, however, is neither here nor there (“Boys will be boys,” they say hereabouts, and “Hogs will ALWAYS get In the corn SOMEHOW!” and “Here, Kitty, Kitty…!), but inital online newspaper reports since deleted indicated that more than a dozen witnesses claim to have seen Wook fly to the top of the flag pole. And, on “a carpet” no less, the throw rug found later on the ground at the scene being identified as being from the Viking Raider, our local hourly-rate motel.
Members of the Squawbunion County Historical Society for what it is worth confirm that this episode comes on the eve of new information on the old story of the legendary Indian “curse” on Terre De Bleu City, dating back to the mass-hanging days of the 1860s. Agents of the Society were in attendance at the Wook outrage because of the trespass onto the ill-hallowed hanging site. These last furthermore adduced certain disturbing data from the historical record of this surrounding and allegedly “accursed” place. Certainly, and to cite but one example of the general regional unwellness, our community has supplied inmates to the State Palliatory in Peterville at going on elevenfold (!) the state rate, and that for nigh on one hundred-and-fifty years. Of course this is but one adverse datum amid a host of others, the melanoma cancers more varieagted than anywhere in the nation, supposedly a result of widespread agchem usage, universally hard menopause and the hordes of deformed and vicious small children with box cutters thronging the schoolgrounds at recess-time everywhere. SCHS members also now, however, report that young Professor Jason Whateley, of Miskatonic University and now visiting in the Geology Department at our own Minnesota State Teachers’ College & University at Terre de Bleu City (MSTC & U), has said that the unique limestone and red quartzite substrate in our region may well conduce to sizable anomalies in the local gravitational constant. This could in turn produce magnetic oddities and other odd phenomena, not excluding instances of a hypothetical mass hallucination, as in the Betty and Barney Hill abduction case, in Old New England in 1962.
Any objectively scientific explanation of what is, alas, but our latest sad misfortune here will be truly welcome, because for a fact and yet to their sad distress, reputable benevolent members of our own liberal and eleemosynary professional community this morning, including Dr T M Servir, head of the County Welfare Department and Police Lt-Col Professor Dr Betty Prye, of MSTC & U Law Enforcement Studies and the Nine County Domestic Abuse & Violence Elimination Unit, “saw” Wook fly on a carpet to the top of the flagpole described above….
That is all of my news for now, and I am,
E R Smith & cet etc
In closing, I would only draw your attention to the close fidelity with which the subject Wook, writing as “Smith,” maintains the integrity of his mad imposture. There is as well the strained and, to the veritably certified professional, irritating affectation of a deceptive pseudo-scientific quasi-objective tone. We have found this in the main to stem from the voracious but uncontrolled reading of these characters. This is clearly beyond the imaginative capacities of any mere soybean farmer however widely read, though, and as this Wook indeed possesses no responsible professional training or credentials whatsoever, I want to suggest that indeed geology and other environmental factors indeed will be found to play their parts, as they indeed do aussi in Morocco. The paradox in it all is that we owe the tip about an odd local geology to Wook’s own turgid ranting. Arguably, the liasion between departments could be made better at STC & U, but that is a matter for the appropriate organs of safety and public efficiency! On this note only trop regretable and ironic and until next time, I must bid you all adieu.
[Bodwyn Wook all rights reserved 10 July 2009]