(posted by Former Farmer Smith With A Tip Of The Lid To “Shuck” B!)
A DEA officer from Fort Worth [being from there means in this sort of stories that of course in West Texas he is viewed as a completely helpess fool and kind of irritable, touchy, childish and fretful halfwit — ed] stops at a ranch in West Texas, and says to the whiskery leather-sledged old time dry-country rancher:
“OK, old schmaltz, now I am going to investigate your ranch for illegally grown drugs and plus any illegal Mexicans you might have got hanging around.” [This sort of unwholesome interagency “double dippin'” and stealing of each others clients is common in the the turf wars between the DEA and the Border Patrol; it is done mainly as a sort of running gag, or commentary, about each others inefficiency and “just to piss off” each others senior officers — ed] The gaunt cowman who has seen many things in his lifetime, and can remember just about all of them, says slowly after thinking it over for a minute, “Okay…but do NOT go out in to that dry bed over there….”
The chubby short DEA officer blows up, yelling in his squeaky city voice, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with ME.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he hauls out his badge and proudly waves it at the rancher who has already heard many things in his lifetime, plus a whole lot more you’d just plain have to make up for yourself.
“See this here badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHERE ever I damn WANT…. On to ANY land…NO questions asked OR answers given. And plus YOU all have just got to ALL kiss my ass OUTRIGHT, on sight AND just the way I like it, and that’s so in ALL places and in ALL cases…have I made myself clear? DO…you…understand…ME?”
The old man nods politely, and he says “Well…alright then…I give you my permission ANY way, mister,” and then goes about his chores. A short time later, he hears just a awful yell and sees the DEA cop running for his life and chased down the empty wash by the big (!) Santa Gertrudis bull….
With every step the bull that the old man has raised from a pet calf off of a suck pail is gaining ground on the drug agent, and it seems real likely that it is just about a plain old case of “shit outta luck fer sure fer SOME one” AND that somebody is going to get his US Federal Government ass gored and rammed more than somewhat before that he can get to safety. The rancher throws down his tools when that he beholds this sad sight of the law itself on the run, and the whole Constitution, runs up the boulder draw and hollers down at the top of his lungs:
“Your badge, God damn it…Jesus Christ, mister…show him your BADGE!”
(“Mighty gods,” said the old rancher later, “I thought is what it is is that what it was was that the little fat DUMB sonofabitch was going to turn his fool self in to a BOWLING ball, he was rolling so fast, AND plus that Timmy Milo was going to bore him some NEW finger holes!”)
[Bodwyn “Old San Antone” Wook
[all rights revert holders…and HOW!
[4 January 2009]